Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
