I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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