You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
