Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
