I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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