How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
