you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
