If that was your dad, he is hot
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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