rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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