yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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