Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
