I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
