Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
