Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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