you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
