mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
