So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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