Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
