my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
