they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I want her autograph on my taint
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
