My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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