Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
