my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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