I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm like, not good at living.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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