I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
