Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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