I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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