I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
