I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
