i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
