my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
