Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
