i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
