Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
