Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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