My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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