the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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