Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
