i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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