She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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