I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
