we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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