Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
