I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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