My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
