One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
