No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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