Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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