Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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