You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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