No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
