um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
