I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
