I have demons in me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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