we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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