I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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