I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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