I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
