just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
