Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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