one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
