Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
