I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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